My Marvelous and Gratifying Failure

At some point at the end of last year, I decided I wanted to test myself in a physical and mental endeavor. I have limited ultra-running experience, but have done 100 miles, once.

During the Run Rabbit Run 100 in 2022, I was able to condition my mind and body before and during the run to limit the dark places, the pain, and many of the hurdles that are problematic to complete something that seemed beyond my comprehension.

So what’s a logical next step? 200 miles? Yup, let’s see what happens.

Much like online shopping, it is great for races that the barrier to purchase is extremely easy. Sometimes that is not a benefit for the consumer.

Marvelous

I trained hard physically. I trained hard mentally and emotionally. Could have it been more, of course. In the end, was it enough? I’ll never know.

I used old and new techniques to work through this distance and time. By the end, my ankle started to give me trouble and it wasn’t something I could have prepared for. I don’t know whether I sprained it in a moment, or if it was a repetitive use injury. Either way the ligaments weren’t all that happy. For about 24 hours and 50 miles, I effectively played the game of pain versus damage.

In the end, around mile 140, I decided that the damage I was causing was outweighing the pain. I pulled the plug on my adventure to 200.

The Stones said it best,

“You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes, well, you might find

You get what you need”

Music Pass, and the Rainbow Trail in the Sangre de Cristo mountains in late September are beautiful. It was a marvelous experience.

But it wasn't just the trails in the Sangre that were marvelous.

The snow-covered, to mud, to dirt, trails at home where I spent hundreds of hours were marvelous.

The darkness, to sunrises, the budding to falling leaves, all of the seasons and sites, and I shan’t forget the moose. So many moose. It was all marvelous.

In my effort to prepare for 4.5 days and 200 miles, I further opened my existence to the wonders around and inside of me. Was it always fun? Nope. But it was marvelous.

Gratitude

I’m grateful for it all. Not just the experience, but the support. This is an endurance event for myself and my family that began long before the race. There is a tax for everyone that can be steep. If they’re still there when you come out the other side, hold onto them.

I’m grateful for my friends that spent days away from their families, to support me meandering through the wilderness. Crewing for an ultra is a testament to putting someone else's goals ahead of your own needs, and comforts. When you find friends that get up with you at all hours, spend time on the trail, and are willing to wash your feet so you can eat, or because you can’t bend down that far, hold onto them.  

Life and your mind can be very isolating. It’s important to work hard on yourself, and control your own destiny. Being in control is gratifying. But being vulnerable and knowing that there are people in your corner under circumstances outside the norm strikes a different gratification chord.

Failure

I’ve spent much of my life terrified of failure. So much so I would sabotage myself to feel better about failing, but not really failing since I didn’t really try.

I ran 39% farther than my previous longest distance, and 108% more time spent on the trail. By all personal accounts, it was a tremendous effort, and it was still a failure. And that’s ok.

I wanted to push to 200 miles in under 108 hours. I didn’t. And that’s ok.  

Being comfortable doesn’t mean you’re content.

One of the greatest gifts of this endeavor is that it was uncomfortable, and I was not content. I was not content with who I was, or the boundaries I set to remain comfortable. I had to set an objective that was outside the societal norm, to give myself the emotional freedom to try, possibly fail, and be both comfortable and content with the outcome.

It was liberating, but I wish I had taken control of these emotions at this level sooner.  

Don’t limit yourself to what might be possible. It doesn’t need to be a physical challenge, it can be emotional, or spiritual, it can be anything! What are the goals that feel out of your reach? Close your eyes and see that maybe your reach is further than you think.

Even if it’s beyond your reach at that moment, you can bask in the joy of your own marvelous and gratifying failure.

Cheers and peace be the journey.
Pete Dopkin