I’m going to be 50 in a couple of weeks.

There are moments when it doesn’t seem real. They are tied to the reality of the present, the unknown of the future, and the reflection on the past.

I’ve (almost) made it, so that’s a start. I’ve ridden the ebbs and flows of being overworked, weight gain, laziness, work-life balance, health, and personal drive. Rock bottom can always be deeper, and the heights of our success always come with the question, ‘What’s next?’

For my first 30 years, insecurity and anxiety built up in my body and personality brick-by-brick. How that presents itself varies in different ways, which I’ll write about and expand on in the coming months.

One of those ways is sometimes I can’t shut the f*ck up (STFU). It’s not officially in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but it’s an affliction, and depending on who you ask, often displays as a personality disorder.

At some point at the end of last year, I decided I wanted to test myself in a physical and mental endeavor. I have limited ultra-running experience, but have done 100 miles, once.

During the Run Rabbit Run 100 in 2022, I was able to condition my mind and body before and during the run to limit the dark places, the pain, and many of the hurdles that are problematic to complete something that seemed beyond my comprehension.

So what’s a logical next step? 200 miles? Yup, let’s see what happens.

Earlier this year I was watching Shogun (highly recommend btw) and a proverb flashed on the screen that smacked me across the face. ‘I don’t control the wind. I study it.’ You may have also heard, ‘You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.’ From an old Yiddish proverb to Dolly Parton, its origins and uses are varied. It’s important to give the appropriate credit, I’m just not sure, so I’m moving on without any disrespect intended.  

Once upon a time, I was a little boy and all was right in the world. I ran around, went to the beach on family vacations, and did stuff.

What stuff? Innocent, childlike, fun stuff.  I played in the ocean, soaked up boardwalk games and rides, and chowed sweets.    

Could you imagine if a former Nazi, told you that forgiveness and compassion are at the root of sanity?

Coming from the source, it would be extremely difficult to digest.

As the son of divorced parents, there are many ways I could go. I went with the ‘let’s see if I can try and make everyone happy’ path. Why ruffle feathers? Everyone else’s stress feels far more toxic than my own. I would be happy if everyone felt good.  

When I was in elementary school my soccer coach called me “space cadet” and a family friend said, “he lives in the clouds, but when he comes down he lands on a dime” (a compliment that I now cherish). I knew one wasn’t being kind in their assessment, but I didn’t really put a lot of thought into it either, maybe to their point, I was just spacing out.

I have spent most of my life taking a situation or emotion and twisting the narrative - not in a good way. It’s like a personal game of Poison Mad Libs.

Everyone knows I’m ______.  (incapable)

For too long I’ve been trying to write my first newsletter. I’d like to say weeks, but it’s been months. Many of you have probably heard me say, “I’m not a perfectionist, I’m a fear of failure-ist.” That’s how I’ve felt about this. What should I write? It better be profound. If it’s not profound, I’ll look stupid. Analysis-paralysis.

Last month’s fire on Maui, most notably in Lahaina, has been devastating. My heart goes out to the community and all those impacted by this tragedy. 

I’ve walked down the now unrecognizable streets of Lahaina with my family. I watched my daughter surf her first wave in the break where people took refuge.  I have earthed in the shade of the magnificent 150-year-old banyan tree that is scorched.

Turns out I’m an emotional crier. It began as a teen in the late 80s while watching the end of Scrooged. Yes, with Bill Murray. It should have been a sign.  As I’ve become more intune, the floodgates have only opened up further.  

It’s another year and like many, I’m thinking about the weight I put on over the holidays. Not the pounds you’d see in my face or gut, but what I added to my conscious, subconscious, body, and soul.